I was so excited when our home study copy came in the mail. It's different than I expected. I'm not even sure what I expected actually, I think I just didn't know. But it's 13 pages and it's basically a detailed story of our lives. It's like a college essay that covers everything from our childhood, how we were raised, our family members, our education, how we met, our dating/marriage, how we plan to discipline our kids (did I mention that we had to sign a paper saying that we will not spank our kids?), what we plan to do for childcare, how much training we had, how much money we make....literally everything.
We first applied for our home study on May 3rd. And we got our completed copy on August 20th, so it took about 3.5 months from start to finish. That's not bad. I was hoping we could do it faster just because I'm so anxious to have a baby in my arms, but I think we did pretty good.
So now we are officially signed up with four different agencies in Florida. These are all agencies that our CAC consultant works with and recommended. So now that we are officially a waiting family, I guess we just wait. I've never been so excited to wait before. And I've been trying to figure out how this waiting will compare to the two week wait. The two week wait is the two weeks after ovulation that you wait before you know if you will get your period or your positive pregnancy test. I think the difference is, I know I will get my (metaphorically) positive test at the end of this wait, I just don't know how long the wait will be. And THAT is thrilling!! I feel like I'm pregnant but I don't have a due date, or any other information. It's a feeling that
Do you want to know a realization that hit me the other day? I was thinking about my journey with God through all of this. All the anger that I felt last year, and all the feelings of "how can He be a good God when he is holding something so Good back from me" etc. It was a HARD time going through those fertility treatments and getting negative after negative. I felt like God hated me. I felt broken and like I must have done something to not be good enough to be a mother. My last crazy medicated cycle was February and March, I obviously didn't conceive and I was devastated. But, then I had this thought. Maybe our baby was conceived, or was about to be, but just not conceived by me. And I bet God was up there, smiling at my tear smeared face, saying "just trust me. You don't know this yet, but your baby WAS conceived, and you ARE a mother, you just don't know it yet". But I was too focused on ME not getting pregnant. I had no idea this was going to happen so fast. I'm still not sure how it happened so fast. We went from planning on doing months more of fertility treatments to WE NEED TO ADOPT RIGHT NOW. And here we are, only a few months later and waiting for the call that a selfless, wonderful expectant mother has chosen us and we get to be the new parents to a precious babe.